Writing
From Heartache
7 Tips for Sharing Your Grief With Others
by Alice J Wisler
When my son died,
I wrote. It saved me. However everything I composed in my journal
and computer files was not to be seen by the world. While it was important
to me because it was either my raw guts spilled forth or memories
of my four-year-old whose laughter echoed down the hospital corridors,
it was not what poetry magazines wished to publish.
Recently I reread
some of my poems from five years ago. My stomach filled with queasiness.
Now I understood why editors rejected my work. My pain was clear;
but I could see the blood on the pages.
These days I receive
poems from aching parents who hope I'll publish their creations in
my e-zine or bereavement newsletter. These parents are grieving intensely.
They yearn for, and love their child. I know writing helps them release
a little of the agony so that they can go to bed at night and climb
out in the morning. But often I cringe. Clichés steal from
what they want to convey. It seems cruel to tell a broken-hearted
mother or father that their rhyming lines can't be published. Their
poetry will never flow on the glossy page of magazines if they don't
follow some simple rules.
These are rules
for those who have been through or are living through a difficult
season and find writing the venue for sanity.
1. Toss
away clichés
Yes, we live with clichés and the grief world is full of them.
Think of some of these and write them down. Beside each well-worn
phrase, come up with a fresh way of saying the same thing. "My
heavy heart" to convey the burden of pain, is common. How about
changing it to "The sting that grinds each limb"? or "My
groaning limbs"?
2. Stretch
your vocabulary
Make friends
with your dictionary and thesaurus. Learn new words and how to use
them. Write them on index cards and stick them on your refrigerator.
3. Come
up with imagery to show, not tell
One of the best lines I saw was in a poem a friend wrote describing
lifting balloons into the heavens at the tombstone of his daughter.
The month was January and he penned, "Breathing the frost of
pain." That image of struggle was clear to me and reading it,
made my lungs ache. What is pain over the death of a dear friend?
What does it feel like? Is it nights with tissues, watching infomercials?
Is it fear of losing your mind? How can you show the love you held
for this significant person and the hole his loss has made in your
heart?
Don't over-do
the agony-filled lines. One string of words—a unique string—is
enough to convey the pit of sorrow. I thought about images when I
clipped five roses from a gangly rose bush in our garden after a night
of rain.
Five
Roses In Memory of a Four-Year-Old
Yesterday
into the house
where you danced
I carried five roses
five for the age
you never knew
five for the years
you've been gone
delicate, pink,
five for those
of us left
tear drops on
green petals
glistening.
These lines clearly imply
sadness even without the use of words like "sorrow," "sad"
and "grief." The title also is key because it answers the
question of how old my child was when he died. I chose "danced"
instead of "lived" (although "lived" may have
been fine), because I think that word catches a clearer description
to hold in our mind.
4. Search
for new themes
Often we
read about the same heartache theme over and over. Ponder on how to
write new themes in old grief. How about describing a dream you had
about your deceased loved-one? What was he wearing? What was the sound
of his voice?
When you lose
someone special, you want others to ask what he was like, or for those
who knew him to share the memories they held with this loved-one.
After my Daniel died, I wanted people to freely listen to me talk
of a boy who loved Toy Story and watermelon.
I came up with
a poem to help others understand the value of asking—despite
their fears of wondering if this is the "right thing" to
do. I ended it with a phrase I hope will leave an image in the minds
of readers—"the flowers that never die." Flowers are
associated with funeral homes, memorial services and grave sites.
My "reasoning" for creating this phrase was to show that
what the bereaved really want given—more valuable than the flowers
left at the stone—is the chance to share from our heart the
one we miss.
5. Venture
outside
God has created spectacular nature. Even if you live in a city, as
I have, a tiny sparrow or the clouds can provide inspiration for new
thoughts and ideas. Take a walk with your pad of paper and pen. Jot
down words to describe your loved-one. Think of color, smells and
sights that have to do with your yearning for this person. Is it autumn?
Do the colors of the leaves portray any of the colors of your friend's
life? Can you write lines about rust or gold in describing your relationship
and/or loss? When you are near a construction site, listen to the
bulldozers and backhoes. What do they symbolize to you?
6. If
you use a computer to compose, print your material
Errors are easier to spot when you have it printed on a 81/2 by 11
sheet. After editing your masterpiece, place it in a drawer. Marinating
your work is good policy.
7. A few
days later, take out your piece and read it aloud
Is there a friend or spouse willing to listen to your work? Make sure
the person is not afraid to critique. Now is not the time to ask your
great-aunt, the one who loves anything you write. Get helpful feedback.
©
2007 Alice J Wisler |
